I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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