if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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