I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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