I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
