I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
