im about as happy as oj after his trial
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
