who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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