Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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