69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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