I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
