Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
