the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
