Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
