Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
