Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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