I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
