I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
