Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
