I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
