Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
