I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
