somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
