Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
