4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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