If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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