Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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