Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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