You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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