Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
