she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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