just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
