1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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