This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm just crazy horny about you
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
