party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
