Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
