dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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