Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
