you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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