I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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