The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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