Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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