HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
