Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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