dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think i peed on brittanys purse
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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