toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Moan for me like Helen Keller
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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