the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
