Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
we're so committed to being not committed
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
