Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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