Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
