You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
