Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
