you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
