yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
