I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
